I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
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I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
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Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.