I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
