i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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