he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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