If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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