She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
