So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
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