Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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