We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
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Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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