after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
time to smoke my breakfast
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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