College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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