tell your sister to shave her snatch
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
