we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I don't deserve a penis
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Randomize
