so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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