Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Im just a social blackout drinker.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
