I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
