Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
