I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
