We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
