I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
