i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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