I heard we made out
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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