"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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