Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
