I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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