you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
