Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
