I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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