you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
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He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
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He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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