Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
