I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
