We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Four minutes until I can fart!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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