I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
