...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
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If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
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Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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