The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
