I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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