I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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