I haven't been this sober since birth.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
