I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
