I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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