one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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