I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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