Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he was CRYING into my vagina
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
