I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
