There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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