I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
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Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.