Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"