I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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