Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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