After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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