I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My penis needs a shock collar
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
