Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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