I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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